In the minds of many women there is a myth about men, begun in adolescence, perpetuated by frustrated women, reinforced by Hollywood and confirmed by the actions of some men. What is the myth? That men are only interested in sex for physical gratification and have little concern for the emotional aspect of sexual intimacy. A wife should know that her husband wants and needs a sexual relationship that is the overflow of a relationship filled with love and respect.A wife typically misunderstands how her husband feels about sex because of the focus of his comments. Husbands frequently voice concern over infrequent intercourse, unenthusiastic or nonexistent responses, lack of initiative from his wife, routine and or unimaginative times together. These topics sound performance oriented to many women. A wise woman will understand that these comments and observations are a man’s way of saying, “I want you to be emotionally involved in our lovemaking!”
When a wife wants to be involved sexually with her husband, she is telling him many things. She affirms his manhood, shows that he is desired not just tolerated, and says, “I love you”.
Many women seem disgruntled that men put so much stock in their sexual relationship. They do not understand why other special things they do are not appreciated more. It needs to be understood that the other special things that are done can be experienced by others. She can bake cookies for the kids, clean the house for guests, send cards to her mother, but sexually she is his alone! That meets a need in her husband that is unique and he likes that singular privilege. Of course, he likes those other things also, but not at the expense or exclusion of his special gift.
Some women are unable to be emotionally involved in the physical union because they have been taught that sex in marriage should be solely for the purpose of procreation. Again the Bible speaks clearly and firmly:
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”
(I Corinthians 7:3-5)
There are four points every wife and her husband need to remember about this passage:
You belong to each other. One of the most insulting and demeaning things that a wife can do is to begrudgingly concede to sexual intercourse. Husbands do not want “charity” from their wives; they want to share love in intimacy. To simply tolerate the physical intimacy as a concession to his “weakness” is unfulfilling to him and will eventually drive a wedge between the two. A wise wife will joyfully participate in sexual intercourse knowing it unites them and strengthens their bond.
A wife needs to be open with her husband about her sexual needs, desires and expectations. Complaining complicates the problems. A husband and wife need to be educated about each other’s needs, not ridiculed or given up on. Hurt feelings and misunderstandings often occur when a wife fails to tell her husband what she wants and needs. Most husbands are not mind readers and do want their wives to enjoy the experience as well. Some women come into marriage with hurts and fears from the past. Sharing these things with your husband will help him to be sensitive to you, and together you can be victorious over old wounds.
Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent. What does mutual consent mean? It does not mean feigning sleep when you are “not in the mood”. That is deceit! Mutual consent means that both husband and wife agree to abstain, not one partner silently deciding, while the other says nothing and goes along, but with much frustration. Since we are partners in the ownership of our bodies, we should decide together and not independently.
It is important to note that neither partner should ever feel deprived. Therefore, the frequency of physical intimacy should meet the needs of the spouse with the greater sexual drive. An outright rejection of sexual advances by your spouse is wrong and hurtful to him (or her). If there is a good reason why one of the partners is unable to engage in intimacy, it is very reassuring at that time to make a date soon for that special time together. He will not feel rejected and will know that he is still desired by his wife.
Abstinence should be “for a time”. A specified time. Wives need to be alert not to drift into periods of abstinence that are not defined. The Bible is clear that abstinence needs to be planned and given over to special times of prayer because of sexual temptation. Many things can be the cause of sexual droughts in marriage. Unresolved conflicts, poor communication, health-related problems and pregnancy, children and stress, to name a few. Again, couples must discuss these issues and work out solutions that are mutually satisfying. Outside help by another Christian couple can be a great help in finding those sometimes elusive solutions.
Finally, “come together again”. Times of abstinence should be followed by normal frequency and quality in the physical relationship. Any periods of abstinence that do not meet these requirements are sinful and need to be repented of quickly.
The mystery of marriage is beautiful and special to God. Christian wives are privileged to know how to understand their husbands and keep that special intimacy for all the years God grants you to be together.
“I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me” (Song of Solomon 7:10)