In ancient times taking care of one’s own immediate family was assumed. The scriptures frequently speak of the widow, the orphan or the fatherless, and those who had lost their living relations and were in need of a family and the protection of a home. The practice of taking in orphans and widows was not a given, however.
In the event no living relations were present to assume their traditional and honor-bound duty, these needy persons would be at the mercy of an uncaring world.
That is why God so often tells us through the scriptures to take care of the helpless, those truly alone in the world. The terms orphan(s) and fatherless are mentioned 45 times in the Bible. Consider Isaiah 1:17: “Learn to do good; seek justice, rescue the oppressed, defend the orphan, plead for the widow” (NRS).
Although there are many other ways to support bereaved children besides adoption, many families decide to take the huge step of adopting an extra family member. In August 1994 Douglas and I “finally” decided to adopt, and traveled to Shanghai in April 1995 to collect our youngest daughter. Persevering through the process developed our characters and also piqued our desire to see our new toddler and bring her “home.” (Thirteen years later, in April 2008, we returned with Lily to her place of abandonment, and to her orphanage. Though not her first return to China, it was her first time back in Shanghai. Naturally, emotions were not in short supply!)
We were all able to set eyes on each other, as a new family of five, at my mother’s house in England. She had looked after James and Emma during our trip to China. It was the Easter holidays. What an emotional moment it was, and a reunion that was the response to months of prayer and longing! The instant Lily and James met, their eyes locked. They smiled and bonded instantly. This was her big brother. James was six. Emma, on the other hand, was a little reticent. She was happy but overwhelmed, and asked my mother, “Can you cry happy tears?” At four she was overjoyed to meet her new sister, but it took a little longer to bond. Emma was no longer the baby of the family, and she struggled some with jealousy. This was hard for her, as Lily was now getting all the attention.
We discussed with Emma how it was okay to feel jealous, but we needed to be honest and talk about it. We also explained that it was not okay to hit Lily or pull her hair. You may need to have the same discussions if you are adding a child to your family by adoption—just as you would if the new addition were born to you directly. Truthfully, it took about eighteen months to get to the point that all three relationships were equally strong.
Up to the point we adopted Lily, parenting had seemed black and white, rather two-dimensional. (Just feed them and take them to church and—presto—out comes family.) Adopting a child has caused us to parent differently. It has called us higher and enriched the family immeasurably. With adopted children, there is a much greater need for attention, affection, and affirmation. New “feelings” had surfaced and now as parents we had to deal with emotional needs far more than we ever had before.
Lily’s life was blessed by God, but ours even more so. We began to parent in three dimensions—emotionally, physically, and spiritually—and learned to anticipate deep felt needs. We all became a lot more affectionate and encouraging as we needed to secure this family. Our “square” of four family members had become a “circle” of five. Our family has been “completed” by God for over a decade now. Many of our discussions have moved away from the “black and white” into the gray: feelings, emotions, the uncharted psychological waters. From time to time, Lily needs to talk about the deep issues, or else she begins to grow anxious. As Proverbs 20:5 days, “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” One issue is her sense of loss, not knowing why—why her parents couldn’t take care of her. She also wants to know what her “other” family looks like. There are no answers we can give her, nor do the authorities in Shanghai have any information about this. Only God knows.
When she was younger, she would often ask, “Are you coming back?” She had been “left” once before, and deep inside she dreaded being alone again. And there is always the subsurface fear of being rejected, which comes to the surface at school and in social interactions.
Our adopted daughter is a most affectionate child, with a captivating laugh and smile, and an appreciation for the way God has taken care of her. We are grateful that she has taught us to be three-dimensional parents, dealing with physical, spiritual, and emotional needs. Adopted kids have their own special issues. To meet their needs, and keep maturing emotionally ourselves, we must learn to parent in all three dimensions: physical, spiritual, and emotional.
—Douglas and Victoria Jacoby
Victoria, Lily and Douglas Jacoby
Adopted Lily Jacoby, April 4, 1995
First family to adopt from China through HOPE for Children
Editors Note: Do you have a good news adoption story>>> to share? Download the Adoption_Story _form >>>,tell your story and submit it to Toney Mulhollan at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.">This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.. This is a great way to share your story and encourage more and more disciples to fulfill James 1:27: "to look after orphans and widows in their distress"
Adopted children are not the same as other kids. The issue of abandonment, which is a real issue whether or not they knew their previous parents, cannot be ignored. It colors so many things in their lives.