Accepting what is vs what should be is a key to unlocking joy and embracing the present with gratitude. It can also be incredibly hard. I battle exchanging my shoulds for my what-is on a daily basis.A lot of my shoulds derive from my pride, wanting things my way or thinking I know how something should be, not listening or wanting to have the right answer because I think I should. In a meeting I'm leading if I get too focused on what should be I can easily begin to see the people in the meeting as an obstacle to what needs to get accomplished. Needless to say this only results in frustration on all sides. It stifles compassion and can be rude and merciless to self and others. The should trap can be really destructive, as it can take me down a dark path quickly. It's the equation that says, " It should be like this, and if it isn't, something is wrong." This is not always true. I am single, if I think I should be married by now, I can spiral into a pint of ice-cream and a pity party really quickly because then the logic follows that if things are not as they should be there is something wrong with me.
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” -- James 5:16 (NIV)
I am learning to enter my life courageously, acknowledging, to God and others, my anger, sadness, joy, tenderness, loneliness - whatever is, not what should be or what I wish were true. Slowing down and recognizing my frustration at work with a less than stellar process helps me to accept what is in the moment rather than hold onto what should be and adjust accordingly. Slowing down and taking inventory of what I feel helps me to accept the feelings I am experiencing in the moment rather than try to project what I think I should or shouldn't feel, even if I'm embarrassed or ashamed of them. It allows me to be authentic.
This is my new daily practice. Openness is the only door to genuine bonding with God and others. I'm giving my heart and offering my true self - flaws and strengths. Authenticity is the most loving gift I can offer others. It can be terrifying to say, "I feel X" instead of placing ownership of my feelings on someone else. I recently had to do just that, express how someone's actions made me feel, even though I knew it was not their intention. The right and loving thing was to be honest and hold them accountable through vulnerability instead of anger or blame. It was about accepting and expressing what I felt instead of trying to muscle through and not express anything because of what I thought I should feel (strong, not hurt, nor affected by the other person's actions).
