Self-protection is not the same thing as self-care. It took me many years to see how I was self-protecting, and how this self-protection ultimately hurt me, others, but most of all God. Here is how I think of and differentiate between the two:Self-care: Behavior or process an individual engages to meet his or her own physical, emotional and spiritual needs, in the Christian's case, as one relies on and places their deepest desires before God. Trusting God with the unknown.
Self-protection: Behavior that at its core is designed to protect an individual from hurts, embarrassment, or suffering. For the Christian, this means not being able to truly internalize God's healing love and not trusting God with the unknown but rather trying to control for the unknown to protect oneself from possible future pain or discomfort.
For many years I lived my life for God dutifully and in some ways wholehearted, but there were still parts of my heart that I absolutely did not entrust to God. I served and gave in many capacities but my default was securing myself against pain. Like those described in Jeremiah 2: 1-13, instead of going to God, the fountain of living water, I dug for myself cracked cisterns that can hold no water at all.
"Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage." -- Psalm 84:5 (NIV)
Here is some of my pilgrimage. Sometimes self-protection comes from a place of great pain and fear of rejection. This is triggered by past, unhealed wounds, things I had not handed over to Christ to allow him to heal completely. True Christ-healing doesn't result in more self-protection but rather in taking greater risks in love because I no longer look to others to affirm me but to God himself. I can see past myself to the needs of others and love better. I can forgive more quickly and let go of pain with more ease. I can also set healthy boundaries that are not self-protecting but God-trusting.
No one likes being betrayed or chosen over something or someone else. My parents chose self-protection over choosing to love me. I didn't feel safe as a child and I couldn't take my parents pain away. Therefore, as an adult I tried to take it away for others, to create the love and safety that was not there. I took responsibility for others emotional well-being instead of allowing them to own it for themselves. I developed unhealthy patterns as a form of self-preservation.
