Grief is not reserved for only those who have experienced the loss of a loved one. Grief can result from loss of income, natural disaster, infertility, divorce, life transition, or any other major event. There is no specific way to grieve, but the common stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not everyone will experience each stage of grief in the same order, or at the same pace, nor will everyone experience each stage with the same intensity.
It is very common to cycle through the stages a few times before completely accepting the situation that caused the grief. What has been labeled as stages of grief, can actually be seen as our process of wrestling with God through a tough situation. Just as a therapist would say that it's important to process through the stages of grief, it is important to wrestle through each stage of grief with God.
Last year started a journey through grief when my brother-in-law, Scott, was in a serious motorcycle accident. After Scott finished writing a lesson for Bible Talk about God's will for our lives, he got on his motorcycle, like so many days before, and headed toward the gym to exercise. It's uncertain exactly what happened, but on his way to the gym, Scott collided with a large truck and landed on the road, under his motorcycle. Early MRIs indicated that Scott suffered a traumatic brain injury. We would not know the extent of Scott's injury until he fully regained consciousness, which would come weeks later.
Because of injuries to his spleen, lungs and ribs, Scott was heavily sedated to help him recover. When the medicine was discontinued, we learned the extent of his injuries- and the long road it would be for recovery. Two weeks after his accident, Scott was transferred from the intensive care unit to a facility that specializes in traumatic brain injury recovery. The six weeks Scott spent in recovery resulted in huge progress: he was able to start breathing without assistance, feed himself, make eye contact, walk, and speak in short sentences.
Before the accident it would have been difficult to imagine that we would be cheering with excitement for Scott to do something as basic as lift a glass to his mouth for a drink, but Scott's brain injury forced us to change our perspective and to be grateful for each small step he made in recovery. Over time our version of what would be normal for Scott changed. Scott came home eight weeks after his accident a very different man than when he left. Now, seven months after his accident, Scott is still very different from the man he was. Scott's recovery has been in stages. Each transition in Scott's recovery has brought a new set of emotions, and has often recycled feelings of grief.
The first week after Scott's accident, when Scott was still unconscious in the intensive care unit, I was told multiple times, "Don't worry. God works for the good of those who love him." I did not doubt that God does, in fact, work for the good in all situations, but such a statement came too soon and seemed too simple for me. I had so much heartbreak and hurt to deal with. I needed God's comfort more than I needed to know that everything was going to be okay. In the moment, I could not figure out what "okay" even meant or would look like long-term.
As Christians, there can be the temptation to believe that there is a right and wrong way to deal with the situations that cause grief. As we passed the days in the hospital waiting room, I was given counsel by well-meaning friends. When told that everything would work out for the good, I was tempted to believe that if I were truly trusting God, I would simply accept that everything would end up well, and I would not wrestle with so many emotions and questions for God. If I had immediately accepted the assertion that God was going to work for the good of Scott and the entire family, I would've had a false acceptance of the situation. I would have skipped the process of grief, and more importantly, I would have stopped having a dialogue with God. Throughout Scott's recovery I've had to wrestle with God, and through my prayers and pleading with God, I have been able to work my way through various stages of grief. The process of wrestling with God - however long it takes - leads to true acceptance and confidence in God's plan.
Healthy grief is never simple or quick. Premature acceptance of life's tough situations can result in our becoming bystanders to our own lives. If we decide too early that everything is going to work out for our good, we will not to continue to plead with God about our desires for change. Job illustrates this well. He did not sit back and wait until he saw results from God, but rather he openly questioned God and God considered Job to be blameless and upright, a man like none other. When Job’s friends attempted to provide him quick counsel to his problems, Job replied, “I desire to speak to the Almighty and to argue my case with God” (Job 13:3). Job presented his grievances with God, and God answered him. If he had listened to his friends and accepted that he was at fault for his situation, he wouldn't have spoken with God.
We can read Psalm after Psalm of anguish that eventually leads to confident hope and trust in God. In Psalm 22 David asks God, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?” Psalm 22 illustrates the battle between human feelings and the truth about God and his promises. The conclusion of the battle is a renewed strength in God’s promises and plan. Psalm 22 is often taken to be an allegory for Jesus. Jesus did not go to the Cross without first wrestling through his grief. We know this through the prophetic scriptures of the Old Testament, taken together with scriptures such as Luke 22:42-44 when Jesus pleads with God, “’Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.’ An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him. And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.” Jesus knew that his sacrifice would provide salvation for the world, and that it was God's will, but he still allowed himself to experience and express the grief and anguish he felt about God's will.
As exhausting, confusing, and painful as grief can be, God has given us the ability to grow through our emotions. If we wrestle through each stage of grief as it comes to us - and continue to plead with God - the result is a true acceptance of the situation that leads to hope and faith.
Psalm 13:
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
