It’s not the life I had planned but it is the life I was chosen for.I think I started off imagining my cup to be this little bitty stylish perfect sized cup but as God has shown he’d prefer my cup a large sturdy horse trough, or at least that’s how I feel! Chris and I had a plan for our life - everything was laid out nicely.
A little over two years ago I didn’t realize how much my whole life would change! We found out we were expecting and we were thrilled. I bought a crib within that week and the nursery planning began! My cup started to fill. Within the first month of being pregnant I got very sick. The next couple months following I had to quit my job, stayed a night in the hospital, lost a ton of weight and received IV fluids daily through a PICC line in my arm for almost 2 months. I thought, man I am going to let this little one know the craziness I went through when I was pregnant.
At 20 weeks we went in for our first ultrasound and we were told our little baby had something wrong. He had an extremely large growth coming from his mouth. My world had stopped. My cup was flowing. Over the next few days and months life was a whirlwind. We had tests, scans, and meetings with specialists. We were told to expect a poor quality of life for our baby at best. They couldn’t promise anything and there was even the option to abort.
We made the decision to leave our life in Boise, ID temporarily and move to Kansas City, KS for the rest of the pregnancy, for the delivery of our baby and the NICU stay. I flew to KC at 29 weeks. Chris packed up our car with our basic needs and drove the long two days. Our baby would have to be delivered by what they call an EXIT procedure. Only maybe a handful of those are done each year worldwide. They would deliver him around 36/37 wks. The timing was crucial. If they delivered too soon the baby may not have developed enough and would not survive or have long term damage. If they waited too long I may go into labor and there would be a slim chance either of us would make it. The safest place for my baby was inside of me. My cup was full.
For as long as I can remember my favorite scripture has been Philippians 4:4-13 “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or
praiseworthy—think about such things.9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. 10 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”My cup shattered but thankfully God had placed my cup in a sturdy strong reliable trough. On December 28 2011 at 31weeks my beautiful son was born via emergency EXIT procedure! My water had broken just before midnight on the 27th. As we rushed to the hospital I held my belly and thought I could no longer keep him safe inside of me. God had chosen this time, and although I was afraid I may have to say goodbye to my son I couldn’t doubt that God was in control and there was clearly a plan. I was covered in God’s peace. God had given me Jude. There was 37 medical staff at his delivery and another 16 waiting in the hallway. After the 3rd attempt they secured an airway and he was removed from me and given a trach and vent immediately. He stayed in the NICU for 111 days. At one month old his tumor was removed successfully. He had IVH 4 brain bleeds on both sides of his brain, he had a feeding tube placed in his stomach and was on a 24 hour continual feed for months. He wore a head brace to reshape his jaw, he had brain clots, multiple blood transfusions, pneumonia multiple times, and many other procedures and complications.
It was a week before I could hold my son and when I did I needed help to place him in my arms. I could hold him about an hour each day. I never had the option to breast feed him. I had to leave him every night for the 3 1/2 months. His first time opening his eyes were not with me. When we came home we were confined to a 6 foot radius because of all of his equipment. He had to be monitored at all times. I couldn’t carry him to the bathroom when I needed to go or to the kitchen if I was hungry. I rode in the car alone with him for the first time when he was 1 ½ years old. We average about 20 appointments a month for him.
My Jude is wonderful; he could arguably be the happiest kid out there. His smile literally is the greatest smile you will ever see and he smiles constantly. He’s hilarious, he 
loves people, he has so much personality. He has overcome so many odds and so many complications. I believe God has allowed this scripture to be lived out in Jude. When I think about it my life is not easy and well it’s not the life Chris and I had laid out but God has given me so much peace. Life isn’t about trying to fulfill our needs and wants but it is embracing contentment. Contentment does not come when you are focused on the hard things. I have been given so many blessings beyond what I could have imagined. God has certainly held us near. My trough is not filled with sorrow; I now see God had given it to me to fill with all the smiles of my son. 
